There is a book that I definitely have on my reading radar as soon as I get back home by Stephen Covey called “The Speed of Trust”. Lately I have dissolved trust and have had my trust broken. I did what most humans do when someone has betrayed their trust is I pointed outward and said “How Dare They” but then after many tears and anger I turned inward and said “Damn girl what type of trust funk are you giving out” and I really didn’t like the answer as I didn’t think I was that bad but in light of what has happened to me over the past couple of days I really had to look at me.
When people point out what they see in you or what they perceive that they see in you it hurts especially if you’re like me and you’ve been trying REALLY hard to allow God to lead you and to be a positive leading force it’s really hard to keep trying when someone brings out every negative thing you’ve done in the past, present and potential future.
Over the past few days my loyalty, love for my children, and everything I’m trying to stand for now has been questioned. At one point I was ready to give up, why should I try to better myself if I wasn’t doing a good job. If I wasn’t doing any good for myself and my family or the world what was I trying to change for? Why did I waste all that time praying and meditating? Why did I waste that time tithing? Why did I waste that time going to church and fellowshiping? Why did I start giving a damn about anyone other than me? Why did I start this journey if I was still being perceived as the same evil, selfish, complaining bitch that I was?
Right now writing how I feel still is twisting my stomach into knots and making my eyes water.
Then I remember, “Your perception of me is not my problem.” Then I remember, “The Devil is a Lie” Then I remember “Rome was not built or destroyed overnight so I am not going to make a full 180 change in less than 6 months” Then I remembered that I’m not perfect, that I am trying to reverse DECADES of mess. I’m allowed to fall, stumble, and bust my knees. I don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations but my own.
In saying all of this it’s still hard because I have new self talk to remove just as I was deleting some old fears and mindsets new ones came in. So I have a lot more work to do. Writing this is making me want to bust into tears but I’m in a room full of women and the last thing I need is a Q&A session because as much as I want to trust there are certain people that I can no longer trust. They were on their second opportunity and I’m done time to make distance and keep it moving.
So this is going to be a week of more praying and meditating and reading and affirmations because I can’t go back to where I was. I tried to become that “tough bitch” again and because of some of the things that I’ve implemented in my life it doesn’t feel right. Wow, just in typing that I realized that I have changed some that I am able to realize behaviors that aren’t conducive to my growth. So I forgive but I don’t forget. I am working hard to not hold a grudge as I HAVE accept my role that I played in this whole drama unfolding.
Lesson for the day, what is in your life? Is it pretty, drama free, love? Or is it pain, tears, self doubt, lack of trust? What is it. I don’t argue with people anymore not because I don’t like confrontation but because I’d rather be happy and at peace than right. And 9.5 times out of 10 when someone is on 100 trying to prove their point to you it doesn’t matter what you say you are always what they say you are.
The past few months have really opened up my eyes on how other people perceive me and it’s kinda sad. How I have allowed others to treat me in sake of “keeping peace” and “keeping up a facade” makes me hyperventilate and sad. So I’m now on a mission to make changes. The enemy, my ego is going to lose this one, I don’t care what you think of me because I’m going to do my best everyday to be a better me and if I don’t meet your expectations today guess what….too damn bad. Stop looking at me to be your main source of love, happiness, or stability because the only person I’m relying on now is God and me. I am going to allow God and the Universe to lead me. If it so happens that I hurt some feelings unintentionally oh well. I’m sick and tired of apologizing for being me. Especially when I haven’t said or done anything to anyone that is going to end their life or damage them in any way.
I have A LOT to work out with me I know that.
Tip for the day, don’t feel the need to regurgitate someone else’s faults or down falls unless it is truly going to benefit a situation. Not just because it’s a trait you don’t like. Most of us working on our life’s don’t need your “help” (put downs) we already know that there are some areas that we need work on. Also, not everything someone state is a point of complaining maybe it’s a cry for help, stop thinking that the mother stating that her kids are getting on her nerves doesn’t appreciate or isn’t thankful for them, maybe it means she needs a break. Stop telling stay at home moms, “what you complaining for at least you don’t have to go to work everyday” Here’s the difference genius, you get a weekend where you bosses can’t come to your house and demand your presence. Laundry NEVER ends, feeding kids NEVER ends our jobs don’t have an off button, time clock punchout, or holidays.
I love my kids more than life itself, I would lay down my life to make them better and I think that’s what hurt me the most the fact that I work so hard with them and I am perceived as a mom that doesn’t give a damn, a mom that hates her kids. Wow.
Trust, who do I trust? God, I trust the Holy Spirit and the Universe to lead me to where I need to be. I have a small, small, small group of true friends (3) that I know will tell me the truth about myself with degrading me or judging me or spreading my business.
I don’t know where my life is going gotta map out where I think I want to be, because where I thought I wanted to be, I’m not sure now. So I need some time to get guidance to figure this out.
Wishing you Love Peace and Healing
Be True to yourself and your path of love and it will all work out. The universe rewards the faithful.