Learning

This morning I’m hyperventilating less but I’m still in deep thought. So this morning I’m going to share a bit further, 1. because it’s therapeutic to me and 2. because someone else might be feeling the same or similarly.

I am in a class called Imminent Abundance, it’s a great class to help me deal with some mess that I hadn’t dealt with at all or just dealt with on the surface.  One of the exercises they had you do was write down something that has been holding you back (i think) but here’s the point. I have this feeling that no one wants to help me. Now let me elaborate on this one.  I have and have always had this feeling and experience that no one want’s to help you or will help you for nothing. That if they do help you they will either want:1. something bigger in return, 2. they will judge you for needing help, 3. they will demean or diminish your situation for you needing help. These have been my experiences rather real or perceived they have been my experiences.

I have a VERY hard time opening up and sharing especially if I need help because I am afraid of what will be thought of me. Here is some of my self talk, “Damn she don’t work what she need a break for” “You’ve been home all day what do you mean you need help with housework ain’t this your job” “How could you put your kids in that situation, God wouldn’t want you to starve stop tithing that money going to the preacher” Those are just some of the thoughts going on in my head.  I don’t ask for help because it’s hard, it’s uncomfortable I was taught that asking for help is a sign of weakness and not a sign of strength. You see it takes A LOT of courage to ask someone for assistance. I always hate the fact that it feels like I’m begging and the connotation that our society have placed on people that seek assistance in any form especially people that beg or are perceived to be beggars is horrible. So I don’t ask. Often times I’d rather suffer alone than run the risk of being ridiculed or talked about.

My ego is having the damnest time moving beyond what others think about me especially those that are close. (Damn the thought of that hurts and I wish I could go to church this morning not so I can see the preacher jump up and down or hop and bop to the choir but there is something about being in a place that is loving, accepting and open that fills you up and my cup of love needs to be filled because I only have a few drops left. )  So I play the role that they expect me to play, I work so hard at being who I think they want me to be and not who I know I am. That is so over, that takes way more energy than I can give right now. I have my children’s well being and well fare as well as my own, so don’t have time to nourish anyone else. It’s not that I won’t help anyone else but I’m not compromising me to do it.

Changes are coming with me, I can’t control or change what anyone else feels, does or how they act and that’s a wonderful feeling knowing that the Ultimate Creator gave me the free reign to control MY destiny.  It’s so funny how I used to always love to control, sometimes I slip back because it’s so intoxicating for me to have that perceived power of being able to control someone or something else but I always have to pull my ego back and get it together.

This blog will mainly still be about my kids and their journey but sometimes with a bit of me thrown in (see it’s called Beyond X and Y for a reason) I feel that if I open myself in this way that potentially I can deal with my demons and maybe just maybe I’m not alone and I’m helping someone else realize that they aren’t alone either.

So if my posts resonate with you great, if not great if you know of someone it will help pass the link along.

Wishing you Love, Peace and Wellness

Charmaine

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